Anger Management

“Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.” Harriet Lerner. It’s indeed very important to pay attention to one’s own anger (or other’s anger behavior) as anger is a secondary emotion that may be masking the primary feelings. The primary feelings are the reasons and causes of anger and if they are not resolved, the anger within a person may grow deeper and more intense (even though the person may think that he had been able to control his anger).

When I’m outside, I often see parents getting frustrated when their child refuses to leave a shop unless the child gets the toy that he/she wants. The parents were angry and started to shout at their child to follow them or they threaten to leave him/her there. This often doesn’t solve the problem and furthermore makes the child irritated and the child would start throwing tantrums. This is a vicious cycle as both parties would get more and more agitated and the consequence might be disastrous. I feel that the parents (perhaps at the moment of haste, impulse and frustration) failed to realise that they are angry because of the underlying frustration of their child’s behaviour. I think they should first identify their frustration first and then calmly reason out (in other words, tell the child their explanation why they don’t let him/her buy) with the child. If the child doesn’t take the words seriously or still persists on getting the toy, it’s time for the parents to trace back to why their child will cry and shout when he/she does not get what he wants.

And I believe the COW behavioural responses to anger is very true and real in depicting most of the reactions people have when acting out their anger. The control style of response would of course be the best one. But, I do know that even the most close to perfect person might not be applying control response all the time when he/she gets angry. To me, having outbursts at times is still relatively okay as there may be situations that are to be deemed too overwhelming and anger has to take place in a more physical form (like shouting). I believe the anger emotion built into us is very important (that’s why we have anger as one of our emotions) in survival (in modern ways). So, perhaps in the past, anger outburst is important at times of defending your own village etc. But, times have changed, and the display of anger also need to be evolved and adapted well.

I especially like the cognitive restructuring component as this is what I normally use for many scenarios (even those that are not related to anger). Anthony Robbins once said in his book, Unlimited Power, that nothing in the world has any inherent meaning. Thus, in simpler terms, meanings of things (be it emotions like anger or mathematical equations) are human constructed and also subjective to individuals. Hence, cognitive restructuring (of event meanings) may be the most effective way of turning one’s anger into positive and constructive forces as it is powerful enough to recreate meanings of events. And most importantly, it allows us to be able to “pause time” and rethink our actions before acting them out (and not regretting the actions we did without thinking).